Some people are people pleasers. They have a hard time saying "no." Often it's with family; mom, dad, or siblings that just know how to push that button of guilt. Sometimes it's the fear of rejection. Or conflict avoidance. In the 1980's at the height of the crack cocaine crisis, Nancy Reagan launched the "Just Say No" campaign. It was more or less an epic failure. I think we can all agree-- "no" can be hard.
In the workplace, a "no" can be particularly tricky. Other than improper or illegal workplace behavior, saying no to a colleague can earn you the label of uncooperative, disagreeable, or obstinate. And don't get me started on how complicated saying no to your boss can be. Nevertheless, boundaries are necessary, because they preserve that bit of you that needs preservation, whether it is time, focus, effort, or the thing that is undefined yet important to you. Every time you say yes and it doesn't feel good you're giving a piece of yourself away. Another challenge for the people pleaser is speaking up in meetings. Voicing an opinion that might get shot down. It's a problem for those who know they have the expertise but are cowed into silence by stronger voices in the room.
A fundamental concept in improv comedy is the "yes and..." technique. The actor takes the premise in front of them and builds on it with a new premise. In this way the scene moves forward, and the actors accept the new direction without question.
An improv scene with no direction to go:
Andy: I lost my leg in a tractor accident last week....
Dave: But you're not a farmer!
Verses the "Yes and..." technique:
Andy: I lost my leg in a tractor accident last week...
Dave: That's lucky, now we can park closer to the mall! I have to buy a new suit.
Andy: As long as we're at the mall, I need to pick up an extra suitcase since I'm off to Bermuda next week with my lover Agnes.
Dave: You mean Sister Agnes? Sounds good. We should swing by and pick her up so she can get her glass eye replaced while we're there...
And so forth. When the Yes and... technique is used in meetings, particularly the potentially contentious ones, it can move the discussion in a new direction without dismissing or devaluing the contributions of others.
If you're really stuck with saying no, there are still options. In Taoism there is a paradoxical concept called "Non-Doing." (wu-wei). To "not do" something is not the same as doing nothing. It means that the doing of the thing should be without striving or forcing. In practice, you can think of this as The Tao of Saying No. When presented with colleagues or supervisors asking for things that are out of your scope of work, or you are too busy, or would make you feel like you're giving a piece of yourself away, saying no can seem confrontational. So you don't say no. You just don't say yes:
I can't do X, but I could do Y.
I appreciate the offer, but I'm not available.
It's not my strength; maybe we could think about someone better suited in the organization?
If only there were two of me!
Is there another way we could approach this?
I have a schedule conflict, sorry.
It should go without saying that the reply should be truthful. You can't be "busy" and not be busy. If you think you're a people pleaser, make a list of all of the alternatives to saying no. Help them solve the issue they have asked you to do without doing it yourself. Once mastered, saying no should be effortless, since you are not saying no, you're saying "not yes."